But I Don’t Want to Jump

“God is asking me to jump, but I don’t have wings. I don’t even have a bungee cord.”

I’ve thought this several times over the last week or so. How can I jump off the edge, or step out of the boat, when I don’t have any safety precautions? I don’t have a life vest to keep me from sinking and I don’t own a harness and bungee strap to keep me from splattering onto the hard ground.

I’m actually going to die.

In my life, I have fought God tooth and nail over the control of my life. I have held on so tightly that my knuckles turn white and there are nail marks in the palms of my hands. I’m terrified to let Him take complete control of the steps I take.

There was a period of my life where I had someone else in total control of my life. What to wear, how to fix my hair, who I could hang out with (who I definitely couldn’t hang out with), who I could talk to, where I could go and when, how to spend my weekends, and how I was to act within the relationship. I was miserable, but I assumed it was love so I did everything I could to make this person happy. Except, I failed. Every single time I fell right on my face. Eventually, I left the relationship. It was so unhealthy that I believed no one would ever love me again, and if they did, I’d have to do everything they told me to do so that they would love me even more. I swore that I would never again allow that to happen to me. To have someone dictate every thing that I did and not be considerate of my feelings or well-being.

And that’s exactly what I’ve done.

Ever since then, my life has been my own. I make my own decisions in every area of my life. Sorry not sorry if anyone else disagrees, but this is my choice – not yours. I have held on for dear life to the freedom that I have had since that relationship. Even in relationships that followed that one I refused to hand over any kind of control.

But, this past year, God has reminded me over and over that that is not how my relationship with Him works, and it never will. God reminds me that I am His creation, and therefore He has rule over my life. That although I believe that I know what’s best, I by far have no idea what that looks like and I never well. He is perfect in every way and His plans for my life are far greater than anything I can imagine. He tells me in Psalm 25:8&9,

“The Lord is good and upright; therefore He shows sinners the way. He leads the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.”

I can trust God with my life because He is perfect. Because He is good and upright, He won’t do me any harm. He won’t look to control my life out of power, but out of love. But I have to be humble enough to give it over to Him. I have to admit that I don’t know what’s best and that I never will. I have to recognize that if I am in control, my life will fall apart. Whereas if I place my life in His hands, things will come together as they should. I have to understand that just because I don’t have an immediate answer doesn’t mean He isn’t going to answer me at all. It means I have to trust Him, I have to wait and have faith.

So even though there is no life vest or bungee cord to be found, I have something far greater. Even though I may sink below the surface or get really close to the ground, God will pull me up by my collar from the waves and He will cushion the ground that I land on. He will brush me off, set me on my feet, and ask me to do it again. God has faith in me, even when I have no faith in Him. God is in control of everything, even when I feel totally out of control. Giving it all over to Him is hard, but giving it all over to Him is better.