The Thorn in My Flesh

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (ESV)

Do you ever wonder why certain things happen to you? Maybe it was a one time ordeal, but it was a massive change in your life. Maybe it’s something that you continually have to battle every single day. Or maybe it’s something that you fight for different periods of your life – thinking that you’ve beat it to the ground only to have it pop right back up at the most inconvenient times. Though, let’s be honest, it’s never a convenient time to have something come back that you’ve tried so hard to get rid of.

For me, it’s my depression.

That freaking sucker just won’t stay in the dirt where I left it.

It’s as if it plays opossum for a while. I fight it, attack it, and scare it to the point that it lies down and stays there. It doesn’t move, it doesn’t show it’s face, and it doesn’t try to drag me down. But, as I’m walking away and not looking, it raises it’s head ever so slightly and slinks after me – just waiting for the right moment to jump on my back again.   Before I can do anything, I have it sitting on my shoulders and it’s back to square one.

There are lots of days that I’m like Paul and I beg God to take this horrible weight from my shoulders. I cry, I lay on the floor face down, I ask over and over again for the Lord to answer this prayer for me because I can’t take it. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat anything because anxiety twists my stomach into its own personal pretzel to snack on. Depression fogs my mind to make it hard to see the end or that there’s even any point in what I’m doing. I try to squint through it, but it’s as thick as mud. How can I be back at this spot after having fought so hard so many other times? Why can’t I kill this thing?

I used to believe that I did go right back to square one, but I’ve come to learn that that isn’t the truth either.

You see, just as the Lord was keeping Paul mindful of his need for the Lord, He’s doing the very same to me. Now, don’t hear me say that God does bad things to me and likes to see me suffer, because that’s not what I’m saying at all.

What I’m saying is this – sometimes God allows things to continue in our lives because they remind that we are absolutely helpless without Him and there is never a day that I can’t depend on Him to get me through. Like Paul, I have been given a thorn in my flesh. I have received a daily reminder to run to the Lord and not to look back. As promised to Paul, I also receive strength in my weakness. The Lord is glorified through my lack of ability to take care of myself. Without Him, I wouldn’t survive. I promise you that my car would be somewhere off of a bridge because I would feel that there is absolutely no hope for my life and that the suffering is too much.

But it isn’t. It cannot overcome me because the Lord is my strength and He has already won the victory. Every time is resurfaces, I can face it a little more boldly than before because I’ve already learned the truth. The Lord continues to teach me how to rely solely on Him and how to be weak. So, like Paul, I too shall take joy in my weaknesses. Instead of seeing the flaw of my abilities, I will look to the perfection of God’s. Instead of seeing it as a thorn, I will see it as a gift. Because as long as I have it, I will run and abide in the Lord – and that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.