The Desire of my Soul

But it’s not him that I want.

Not really, right?

The soul is so much more than flesh and blood – so it desires more than that as well. It doesn’t care about the shallow things that I earnestly try to fill it with. It’s satisfied for a short while, but eventually hungers again. It’s ravenous and malnourished because I keep trying to make junk food work as nutrition. But, my physical body doesn’t even work that way, so why would my soul? The actual piece of who I am that is real and eternal?

I don’t want him.

I want God and all that He has. My soul longs for true satisfaction. For love, grace, healing, meaning, and purpose. My soul starves for the affection of the Almighty. It desires the touch of the very hands that gave it life to begin with. It cries for understanding and acceptance.

“Please! Someone just love me for who I really am! Not this person the world sees, but the me who struggles and makes messes. The someone who desperately wants to be welcomed as she is. Love me despite all the flaws I so blatantly have. Please.”

The ache for genuine love and acceptance runs far deeper than should be humanly possible. The only response is to cry out loudly and continuously because maybe then someone will hear me.

But, that’s the crazy part! Someone already has!

Someone has heard the anguished cry of my soul and they have answered. Someone has done what it takes to give me the love I ache for. He yelled the answer to the heavens in His dying moments.

“It is finished,” was His response to my soul.

“What do you mean, ‘It is finished?’ What is finished, Jesus?”

“All of it,” He smiles. “The pain, the void that separates us, the emptiness that plagues your soul so heavily, it’s all been defeated. Your soul can now rest in my sacrifice.”

And in those words, my soul rejoices. It’s as if I’ve gone years without water and have finally found an oasis. This. This is what I want. Intimacy with my Father, contentment in my Creator, trust in my Guide.

My soul longs for my God.

I so easily mistake it for a physical desire needing to be temporarily abated. But, it isn’t a temporary problem. It’s a life long problem. One that cannot be fixed by food, water, human relationships, success, or money. It can only be fixed by reaching out and taking hold of the Lord and Savior of my soul.

It’s not him that I want.

I’m trying to substitute physically what can only be treated spiritually. It’s my soul trying to tell me that it’s in need of communion with it’s Creator. But, my flesh responds with a desire for him – for the boy who is the physical potential of love, intimacy, grace, and healing.

It is soul against flesh and this war is not physical. The unrest of my soul goes deeper than bone. There is no cure that exists within this world, no answer that is given by the created.

It must be fixed, the war must be won, by the One who alone gives victory over sin. The One who alone gives true rest and satisfaction to His beloved.

The One who is the very Author of my story and Maker of my soul.