I’m At War

I’m at war.

There may not be blood, but there are tears and pain.

There may not be any dead bodies, but there is death.

I am at war with myself – the old me, the flesh of my bones – and I am losing.

What do I mean?

I mean that I am trying to fight my sinful nature with my bare hands while it has been trained in hand to hand combat. My attempts at blocking it’s attacks are futile and I quickly become exhausted. It is relentless and doesn’t care to take cheap shots while I’m down.

There are days that I want to claw at my chest, split my rib cage, and remove the sinful heart that beats within. I want to scream out in agony because this poison burns me from the inside out. I want to remove myself from my own skin. I abhor this thing that I am because I know that I was made for more than these baseless desires and selfish actions.

I lay in the floor, begging the Lord to save me from myself, because I can’t do it alone anymore. The fight has taken all of my strength and I have nothing else to give.

“Please.. please..” is all I can utter. It’s all I know to ask.

“God, please. Save me.”

I’ve gone too far again and I can’t find my way back.

And I hear Him whisper, “I am here. I have been here. My child, hold onto Me. I have already won the war.”

2 Chronicles 20:15&17 says,

“…This is what the Lord says: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast number, for the battle is not yours, but God’s… You do not have to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord…”

This war is not mine to win.

This war is not mine to fight and to wage on my own.

While this body may revolt, my soul is safe. While this heart may continue to resist, it cannot resist the power of the Lord. My sin is no match for my Savior.