The Not Yet

There is a narrative that we all have for ourselves. And that narrative influences everything. Our decisions. Our relationships. Our perception of ourselves. All of it comes from the story we believe ourselves to be in. The question, then, is what kind of narrative am I living in? The one that knows that there is an Author of all things and has it handled? Or the one that is afraid to let go? Who I am and who I want to be is based on this one question.

Lately, it’s been the second one. The one that is destroying me from the inside out. My body is screaming at me, begging me to change stories for the sake of our health. Constant headaches and muscle tension are all signs that I’ve been in this particular story for too long. I live in this narrative of fear, anxiety, anger, shame, and guilt.

Fear of failure.

Anxiety about where I’ll end up.

Anger at past mistakes that impact me now.

Shame for not meeting my own ridiculous expectations.

Guilt for squandering past opportunities.

And I am consumed by them to the point of nothingness. Where do they end and I begin? I feel this crisis of identity coming for me and gathering speed as I stand on the edge of so much change.

“I’ve worked so hard for so long, I don’t know who I am if it doesn’t happen. This is all I’ve wanted, how do I move on to something different? How can I face all the people who have supported me if I fail? Who am I and what will I do?”

I allow these questions and all the negative feelings that come with them to determine the way I think about myself. I let old wounds and expectations follow me into the future where they create only more of the same. I let what was determine what is.

But, there is another narrative. One that brings hope, joy, and peace. It doesn’t determine who I am based on what was, but on who He is. Jesus invites me into His story for me – one of redemption and glory. One of being raised up, just as He was raised. Just as the paralyzed man and Tabitha were raised up by the power of Jesus through Peter (Acts 9:32-43). Where he repeatedly says, “Get up,” and invites them into the new narrative of following Jesus. The one of being raised up, redeemed, and glorified.

I don’t have to wait for heaven to be these things. In my narrative as a believer, I already am these things. Glorified. Redeemed. Holy. Loved. All because of what Jesus did on the cross. Yet I live and think as though He sees me in light of the old story. Sinful. Ashsamed. Guilty. Lacking.

But God doesn’t see me as who I was, but as who I will be. The “not yet” here in the now.

And that changes everything.