The Truth about Depression

Depression.

It’s such an ugly word.

I literally hate it.

A year and a half ago, I was officially diagnosed with this disgusting disorder. It basically paralyzed me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t socialize, I couldn’t even think correctly. I walked around in a cloud of darkness. Except this was no ordinary darkness. This darkness suffocated me. It whispered things in my ear like, “You don’t matter,” or “You could end all of this suffering if you turned the wheel toward that guard rail over there,” or “This life has no meaning, so why even be here?” It completely clouded my vision. I couldn’t see the light that was said to be shining at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t even believe the people that told me there was one. That darkness sucked the life that I had left right out of my body.

But, here I am. A year and a half later. For a long time, I was okay. I didn’t feel as if I was falling into a hole a mile deep. It didn’t take every ounce of strength to get out of bed. I was better than okay, I was great.

Except now, it’s been creeping back in.

I struggle with the darkness and keeping it at bay. I don’t want to get out of bed to read my bible, or take a shower. I don’t want to eat breakfast. I don’t want to wash the dishes or do my homework. I don’t want to do anything but sleep again.

Now I’m sure the majority of you don’t want to do those things on a daily basis, so you may not understand what the big deal is. But, let me help you see why it is. For you guys, showering is essential to a day, right? You wouldn’t dream of walking out of the house without brushing your teeth or fixing your hair. You know that if you don’t do the dishes that they’re going to build up and that the flies will only get worse. You know that if you don’t do your homework, you’re going to fail and will cause yourself more harm than good in the long run. The consequences of your actions are enough for you to get the stuff done. But, when you have depression, the consequences don’t matter. Because your mind tells you that there’s nothing you can do about any of it anyway. There’s always going to be more homework that you’re going to fail, there’s always going to be dishes that pile up. You can’t get ahead and you’re never going to. There will be no progress. So we don’t try. My body feels like it’s been hit by a Mack truck while running a marathon anyway and I don’t want to have to do anything that’s worthless.

My mind will literally tell me that I can’t, and so I shouldn’t even try. Behind in my classes? Might as well accept the fact that I’m going to fail college. Gained a few pounds? I’m ugly and I’m going to be overweight the rest of my life. Haven’t talked to my friends? They never liked me anyway. You guys laugh and shake your head, but this is real.

Depression is not a girl who sits in her room and cries every day, all day. Depression is not the boy who is crazy. Depression is not the people who can’t control their emotions. Depression is not something that’s “in your head” and can be “shaken off.”

Depression is the girl sitting at her desk in class who can’t pay attention because her brain can’t comprehend complete sentences today. Depression is the boy who jokes with his friends about his behavior because he doesn’t want them to know in fear that they’ll see him as a wimp. Depression is the small scar that runs up and down the arms of the person sitting next to you from the blades they used to relieve the pain. Depression is the overwhelming feeling of never being able to get out of this hole that you seem to have fallen in. Depression is not showering in the morning or eating breakfast because I can’t get myself to care. I’m up and out of bed, that’s all that matters that day.

Depression is real. But, what I’ve learned in this year and a half, is that it can be fought. It may never be conquered, but it can be beaten down. A light can be shown into the darkness and can scare those deathly thoughts away. Not a flashlight, not sunlight. But the Light. Jesus promises us that no matter where we’re at, if we’re with Him we are never in darkness. This is the only solution I’ve ever come into contact with that fixes my focus. Suddenly I can think straight and life doesn’t seem so hard to be apart of.

Depression is ugly and one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.

But Jesus is beautiful and is the best thing I’ve ever experienced.

The truth about depression is that it is a great battle. But, another great truth about depression, is that it’s already been beaten by Christ on the cross.